Where are these movies? I know there are a billions of zombie fans, who are undoubtedly Disney fans, waiting to see them! All pictures courtesy of ScreenRant. Artwork by Witit Karpkraikaew aka Clocktowerman. The movies synopsis are by yours truly!
Snow White and the Evil Dead Apple
In this version of the classic tale the Evil Queen’s apple, which was intended to make Snow White “sleep” like the dead, had very adverse affects. Though her spirit slept like the dead her body went on a body munching rampage. The dwarfs, being simple minded little guys who couldn’t bare to pick-ax her in the head (as would have been the dwarfish way of dispatching zombies) were easily over taken by Snow Zombie. Thus, with her army of dwarf zombies, Snow shambled to the castle to have her revenge on the Queen. Prince Charming was then called into action to protect the Queen and all the people of the land! Unfortunately Charming had fallen in love with Snow after seeing her picture in a magazine and though he made quick work of the dwarfs he couldn’t bare to drive his sword into poor re-animated Snow’s head. Instead he just watched as she crunched and slurped her way through the Queen’s skull (it is the Queen’s brain we see in Snow’s hand). Still unable to get the vision of the beautiful Snow on the page out of his head, Prince Charming used his superior living intellect to trap Snow White. To this day he still has her chained in the castle dungeon and often visits her with a tasty troll, goblin, or dwarf (her favorite) in the hopes she will someday return his advances without trying to eat him. In the sequel Prince Charming seeks help from Rumpelstiltskin who has unspeakable demands in trade.
Cinderella’s Re-animated Love Story
A true love lost, love gained fairy tale, Cinderella’s story is constantly being retold throughout the ages with a new and interesting twist. Most recently Paco Plaza loosely based “[REC]3 Genesis” on the timelessness of the love between the Prince and Cinderella, as you will soon see. As it goes, when Cinderella was told bad things would happen if she didn’t have the mice and the pumpkin coach home by midnight there was no way of knowing that would mean everyone at the party would turn into zombies. Beginning of course with the Evil Stepmother getting sick in the great bowl of punch which was unknowingly drank up by the Evil Stepsisters. So while Cinderella tries to make her get away, a love struck Prince wades through the zombie hoard in search of the foot that once wore the glass slipper he found. Also it made a great weapon, having a stiletto heel and being very sharp. After killing the multitude of family members and royal guests that were happily eating anything that moved, the Prince finally found poor Cinderella hiding in her family home with the Evil Steps clawing and biting at the door. He, of course, quickly dispatches them to set his future bride free only to discover she had been bitten. According to legend they are still wandering the enchanted forest looking for tasty living morsels, forever in love, even in re-animated death. Recently it was reported that a prequel was in the works in which we learn the Fairy Godmother was really a Satan worshiping witch doctor that created zombies to do her evil bidding.
The Elusive Little Mermaid and her Heart Collection
Disney really adapted this tale, as they are prone to do, to their own needs. After all, look at the story of “Pocahontas,” everyone knows that since she is a descendant of the same zombie tribe that ate the Jamestown settlers the story with John Smith wasn’t going to turn well. Anyway, truth be told Ariel always was a little on the strange side. Before her time with legs she was known as the mermaid that “ate her friends.” Sebastian with garlic butter sauce, Flounder was Cajun blackened, and Ursula was turned into delightful calamari, even though that may have not been a bad thing. The point is she was already sort of into cannibalism by the time her story got interesting. It was upon seeing a human man, that she saved from drowning though she was wondering what he tasted like in sea weed soup, that she realized she might actually love someone half like her. So she went to the Sea Witch to see if she could get legs and live amongst us for awhile in order to trap her perfect mate. The Sea Witch agreed only under the condition that she be able to take her tongue so she couldn’t speak. Ariel agreed not realizing the witch was very sick from eating too many moray eels which, as I’m sure you know, carry the zombie virus. So instead of just making it so Ariel couldn’t talk she bit out her tongue and ravenously ate it. Ariel, not inclined to look a gift sea horse in the mouth, walked away on her new legs to find Mr. Right anyway. Unfortunately, he was in the process of marrying someone he thought was the one who saved him. Having begun to succumb to the same zombie virus as the Sea Witch, after it was transferred to her via her tongue bite, undauntedly she began to eat all the wedding guests out of retaliation. Interestingly enough, when she finally got the Prince is when he realized she was the one who had kept him from drowning and they shared a moment of knowing eye contact… before she ripped his heart out and ate his liver. The heart she decided to keep, either out of knowing it was what she wanted all along, or something stranger. She also collected up the hearts that she hadn’t eaten yet and put them into a backpack she found in the church wardrobe closet. In the fashion usually attributed to the gods, Poseidon knew there was little he could do to reverse the affects of the moray eel zombie virus but at least wanted to spare more humans from being eaten by his poor begotten daughter. So he quickly took away her legs and forever banished her to the sea, which suited her just fine, there was plenty of living creatures to feast upon there and she’d had her fill of human by then.
Now as the sea fairing veterans tell the story, there are many a sailors tale that can be attributed to poor sea wandering Ariel. Such as on late, still, silent, ocean voyages one can hear the crunching of a poor creature caught in her ravenous hunger. Look quickly enough and you may even be able to see the silhouette of a half rotten pretty mermaid tearing into a whale. Though, like the hunt for Bigfoot, the chupacabra, and Nessie, any photographic evidence of such is either too blurry or faked. That is most likely because any adventurous creature seekers who have gotten close enough to know if it really is her are usually found half eaten and missing their heart. Which, the oldest of the sea fairing would tell you, can be found in an old tattered backpack in the farthest, deepest, depths of the sea.
Hope you enjoyed my little twists on the most loved fairy princess tales of all time! Again, thanks to Witit Karpkraikaew aka Clocktowerman for creating these zombie princesses and ScreenRant for bringing them to my attention so that I could let the creative juices flow!
’til next we bleed, farewell from the beasts and I
J.P. (Jeff) Hunt